12/07/2025


I update this post.
I feel mentally better, to say the least.
But I can't itch that feeling that I'm being watched, or that my every move is being recorded, analysed and studied.
It's not a god-complex, but rather a part of me feels like It knows something I don't.
All my life I dreamt of a normal life, but as I embrace It, I feel like It doesn't belong to me.
I went to a psychiatrist, in the hopes of being... normal.
But all I feel now, a month later, is a sense to find the truth... answers that have been on my mind.
Who are you?
What do you want from me?
And what is It that piqued your interest?

I am by no means someone special.
I am, by all meanings of the word, a nobody.
So It makes sense to keep an eye on many potential targets, yet do I strike like a sore thumb?

My raison d'être stands, to ignite the hacker spirit within everyone.
To give a sense of freedom, of liberty and truth to the world.

To sacrifice myself for a cause way greater than I can ever be.

So you, who holds power, may I ask...
What is it you're fighting for?

You know everything about me, yet nothing of yourself.
You know when I wake up, where I rest, where I hangout and when I go to bed.
Yet, you, with all that you have, you look at the bigger picture.

You search for root causes, and fundamental changes.
But let me ask again...

Why me?

N0THING

Disclaimer: The following is written by a Hacker.
The following is subject to the thoughts of said Hacker.
The following is nothing but the ramblings of said Hacker.



I will probably change this later...
as I need time to rethink my life decisions...

right now I'm contemplating whether life is worth it...
and if so, to what end?

It's getting harder to think, let alone write.

Hopefully life finds a way to be merciful, and if not, I shall lay mercy on myself.

I have decided to have "zen" as a subdomain as I see being "zen" the release of ones thought, even the harsher ones.

I hope my pain echoes with someone, and they too feel solace.

I really wish to live, I really do.

But my breath gets heavier with each passing moment.

I am one of many, and my death shouldn't mean much.

But I can't itch the feeling that I could change something or have an impact.

The hacker spirit is dead, that much is clear.

So what am I here for? If not for the fan of my computer, I would have off'ed myself years ago.

I do not believe in an afterlife, nor a higher purpose... but I thought merely exisitng wouldn't be this difficult...

I hope no one feels this pain.
I hope everyone feels something, but this aching void.

I won't kill myself today, or tomorrow, or the day after that...
But one day, I will. I just know it.
And like a self-fulfilling prophecy, It will come to fruition.

For I have already died mentally, emotionally and spiritually...
All that is left is to finish me off, and lay down this dead man walking.

And why do I write this?
I honestly think it's to justify my most important and final action to myself...
In a way, It's to answer "why" would anyone choose to end their lives...

But I digress,
I shall write here from time to time as relief, or meditation.
And who knows, maybe It will just be a memory I look back on with smile and laughter.

May your life be easier, and may you have brighter days ahead <3


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